The Tao of Osakasensei
by Michael P Hopcroft
Summary: For one, it is a dream come true. For another, it is a nightmare given form. Four years after Yukari's class graduated, one of their number has returned to the school and nothing Yukari has ever done has prepared her! Rating for innuendo and language.
1. Start the Year Right

THE TAO OF OSAKA-SENSEI

An Azumanga Daioh Fanfiction

by Michael Hopcroft

Episode 1: Start the Year Right

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Azumanga Daioh. That is owned by Kiyohiko Azuma and his representatives, ADV Manga and ADV Films.

1. Driving

Minamo Kurosawa knocked on the door of the Tanizaki residence yet again. "Yukari! What's keeping you? If you don't come over here right now I will leave without you!"

Yukari opened the door, looking a mess. Minamo recognized the slightly disheveled clothes, the hair slightly out of place, and the redness in the eyes as signs that her fellow teacher was battling a severe hangover. "Nyamo, don't threaten me like that, OK? And what gives you the right to look so composed on a day like this?"

"Consuming about a third of the amount of beer you did. Now come on, it's a staff day. I'm just glad you don't have to face the new class looking like that."

"I look fine!" Yukari stumbled over to Nyamo's car and opened the driver's side door. Nyamo immediately rushed her over to the passenger side. "What did you do that for?"

"Reason 1: it's my car. Reason 2: I usually prefer to show up for work alive. Honestly!" Fortunately it was a short drive to the school. "I wonder who they got for the new art teacher?" Nyamo asked.

"Riki-sensei's leaving?"

"Don't you remember? After the graduation ceremony she told us she was leaving to have her baby and become a housewife after her husband got that promotion. Don't you remember?"

"I never used to hang around with her. All she talked about was how wonderful her husband was. Still, if some gorgeous young guy takes over for her I'll be happy."

After they pulled into the school parking lot, Nyamo shook her head. "We don't have that kind of luck."

2. The new teacher

The headmaster greeted Nyamo and Yukari as they entered the building. "Yukari, I thought I'd let you know about the new art teacher. I thought you in particular would like to know about her."

Yukari shrugged her shoulders. "If she's a woman, you've just told me all I needed to know."

"We were lucky to get her. She's just graduated and gotten her license, and she's one of your former students."

"MY students?"

"Yes. From your graduating class of four years ago. Ayumu Kasuga."

"I don't remember any Ayumu Kasuga in my class. There must be a mistake."

Nyamo placed her chin her her hand thoughtfully. "Kasuga. The name rings a bell."

"You must be thinking of Kagura, that swimmer." Yukari said, trying to be helpful. "I must admit that was a coup, getting her into my class."

"Is she already here?" Nyamo asked. "I'd like to see her again."

"Of course, she's right over here." The headmaster motioned into the distance. "Kasuga-kun! You remember Yukari-sensei and Kurosawa-sensei, don't you?"

A voice with a slight hint of kansai and and wisp of distance could heard. "You mean Nyamo? Of course."

Nyamo smiled. "That voice."

Yukari blanched visibly. "No. It' can't be. It can't possibly be..."

A young woman walked up to the group, smiling vacantly. "It has been a long time. I hope you'll be nice senpais for me." she said, bowing politely. Yukari suddenly grasped the horrible truth of her situation.

"OSAKA! You're Osaka!"

"Students calling me that is going to be a bit odd. Do you mind, Headmaster?"

Yukari reached for the headmaster, and Nyamo was able to catch her before she could reach the lapel she was grabbing for. "Yukari, are you all right?"

'ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR EVER LOVING BLUE-EYED MIND?" Yukari cried. "How could you do this to me, Headmaster? Is this some kind of a sick joke? How could you hire OSAKA?"

Osaka said "Well, first I sent in the application, and then I did the interview. Isn't that how you were hired?"

"Miss Kasuga get very good marks in teaching college and displayed a sound knowledge of her subject matter. Besides, I seem to distinctly recall giving a chance to a certain English teacher whose own high school performance was, shall we say, less than stellar." the headmaster added. "Do you understand me?"

Nyamo extended her right hand, still restraining Yukari with her left arm. "Welcome back, Osaka. I hope everything works out for you here."

"I hope so too. And before the meeting, I wanted to thank you so much, Yukari-senpai. Without you I wouldn't be here. Thanks."

"No good deed goes unpunished." Yukari muttered under her breath.

3. Doodles

The staff meeting was long and, even by staff meeting standards, dull. After Osaka and the other new teachers (there were two others, a veteran history teacher and a math teacher who looked like she had stepped out of a Victorian novel) had introduced themselves, the headmaster had gone into a long lecture and briefing. Nyamo knew that everything he was saying was covered in the employee manual, so she didn't think too much about it. She noticed that Yukari was trying her best to look attentive and alert despite being at least half asleep.

She looked over to where Osaka was sitting. She had half expected her to also be asleep, but Osaka had a notepad in front of her and a pencil that was moving constantly. Nyamo thought back to her first staff meeting, where Kimura-senpai had told her she would have to take careful notes and that there would be a test later. It had been a hazing, of course, but she hadn't known that at the time.

After an hour the headmaster finally stopped talking and began meeting with the various teachers individually. Yukari jarred herself into wakefulness and looked over at Osaka. She then turned to Nyamo. "She was taking notes?"

"I thought I told Kimura not to do that to the rookies." Nyamo said.

Yukari walked over to Osaka's desk. "Can I see your notes?" she said, suppressing a giggle very badly.;

"What notes?" Osaka asked. "Nobody told me to take notes. Should I have? That could be awkward."

"Then what were you doing?" Nyamo asked.

"Well, the Headmaster was talking about all this stuff, but I seemed to recall having read it before. So I guess I started doodling."

Yukari cried "Doodling? You never doodled in my class!"

"I'm sorry. If you'd let me know you wanted me to..."

Nyamo looked at the drawing over Osaka's shoulder. "Not bad. That's Link, isn't it?"

"Yep. The adult Link from the new game."

Yukari looked startled. "You mean the one that came out a few months back? Great game! Don't you think?"

"I liked it. This is from the Zelda game that's coming out next year, though."

"Next year? Ther4e's a new Zelda game coming out next year – and wait a minute, how the hell would a rookie teacher know about it?"

Osaka smiled. "I have connections."

"Connections?" Yukari looked at Osaka oddly. "Do i really want to know?" A wicked grin spread across her face. "Hell yeah, I want to know! Tell me! Who do you know at Nintendo?"

Osaka smiled. "Well, you know how expensive apartments are in this part of town?"

"I don't know what that has to do with it, but yeah."

"Well, I'm making a rookie teacher's salary. No way could I afford it without a roommate. Good thing I have Taka. Taka lives in my apartment and pays a share of the rent, the utilities, the food, everything. And Taka works as a CGI animator in the video game industry, and makes a lot more than I do. It's really swell."

"And what's in it for Taka? I mean, having to live with you?"

"Taka likes having me around. Says I'm a great source of ideas."

Nyamo smiled. "Sounds like a good arrangement then."

"And I wouldn't be here if Taka hadn't tutored me so much in college, teaching me how to draw properly and everything."

"Sounds like a really nice girl, Osaka." Nyamo said. "I bet you guys much have a lot of fun."

"We do and – wait a minute. When did I say Taka was a girl?"

Nyamo began to stammer. "Well, Taka has to be a nickname, so i figured it was Takako or something."

"Takako would be a silly name. It's really Takashi."

"Takashi's a guy's name, Osaka. You mean..."

"And it really suits him."

Yukari slammed her fist on Osaka's desk. "Wait a minute – your roommate is a guy? You live with a guy?"

"Either that or Taka had a really good surgeon. He sure looks like a guy to me."

"And they hired you? What is this world coming to?"

Nyamo grabbed Yukari by the shoulder. "Calm down! They don't have that kind of a morals clause in our contracts at this school. Have you forgotten about Kitokura in 2-4?"

"What about him?"

"Don't you remember him coming out two years ago? If this school won't fire a teacher for being gay, they certainly won't fire one for cohabiting."

Osaka looked puzzled. "Cohabiting? Is that what it's called?"

"And what do you call it?"

"Saving money. Otherwise we'd have to keep two apartments and commute back and forth, and that'd be expensive."

"So you have a boyfriend? You are so lucky." Nyamo said.

"Yeah. Really lucky. I couldn't afford an apartment in walking distance without one."

Afters

The day was over. "Just think," Nyamo told Osaka, "in three days you get a real class. Are you excited?"

"Yeah. It'll be good."

Yukari shrugged her shoulders. "I feel sorry for Class 1-4 this year."

"That's my class.' Osaka said.

"For once she catches on." Suddenly Yukari got a wicked twinkle in her eye. "Nyamo, we need to take care of afters."

"Afters?" Nyamo looked puzzled for a moment, and then recognition dawned. Terrible, horrifying recognition. "Yukari, no! Absolutely not!"

"Why not? Don't you see, this is the perfect opportunity to show Osaka the ways of the world!"

"We are not taking Osaka out on a drinking party! Honestly, what are you thinking?"

"What kind of a grownup could she possibly be if she won't drink with her co-workers?"

"Uh..." a small voice piped in, ignored.

"You have some sort of a scheme in mind, don't you? You're planning to haze her, aren't you? So have some trick in store for Osaka, don't you?"

"No trick. Besides, would I play a joke on a co-worker?"

"In a heartbeat!"

"Guys, I'm right here, you know."

Yukari grabbed Osaka's hands. "You will go out with us, won't you? Celebrate your ascension to the working world and all that?"

"Sure. Taka's not expecting me home for a while. And I'll call him to let me know where I'll be."

Nyamo shouted out "Don't do it! It's a trick!"

"It's all right, Nyamo-senpai. What's the use of a trap if you don't walk in?"

"I thought the idea was to not walk into traps."

"What's the fun in that?"

Choice of Beverages

Yukari led Osaka into the bar with a wicked smile on her face. Nyamo followed, her look a bit more worried.

"So this is one of your favorite bars," Osaka said.

Yukari took a seat. "OK, here's the deal. We are here to do some serious drinking. And I don't think you can handle it, Osaka, so I'm going to make a little wager."

"Wager?"

"Sure. First one to pass out pays the whole bill. Drinks, food, everything. And pays all our cab fare home."

"But how can someone pay for all that if they're passed out?"

"we each have 10,000-yen notes from the ATM in our handbags, right? The loser gets the cash taken out of her handbag, and the winner returns what isn't spent. You'll take that bet, won't you, Osaka?"

Nyamo sputtered "Yukari, you are out of your mind! There's no way Osaka can take a bet like that! She's eight years younger than we are!"

"I can do it," Osaka said. "Sounds like a nice chance to get some free drinks."

Yukari smiled. "You won't be so confident when you're on your third beer!"

"Oh, I don't drink beer. Can't stand the taste. I'll be drinking something else."

"Nothing non-alcoholic counts!"

"Oh, that's not a problem. I think I'll he having tequila."

Nyamo stared at Osaka in shock. "Tequila? Osaka, that's about the strongest liquor there is! There's no way you can handle it! Yukari, call this stupid bet off this instant, or so help me..."

"It's OK," Osaka said. "besides, cab rides are part of the deal, right?"

"You're on!' Yukari cried. "barkeep, two tequilas!"

Nyamo sputtered. "You're drinking tequila too?"

"Why not?"

"Because a shot of tequila costs about four times as much as a beer! You can't afford it!"

"No way am I paying for these drinks, Nyamo, so don't worry about it. Look at this slip of a girl! How much liquor could she possibly hold?"

Forty-five minutes and five shots of tequila later, Yukari was quietly snoring with her head on the table. Nyamo, who was drinking beer, looked across the table with her head slightly wobbling. "You hokay, Hosaka?"

Osaka knocked back her seventh shot of tequila. "Yeah, but I feel a little fuzzy. Sort of like I'm watching myself from a distance. How's Yukari?"

"Out cold. I don't think you could wake her up with a cannon. Serves her right too."

Osaka woozily reached into her handbag and took out her cell phone. "Better call the cab," she said, "and get us home. I've had all the drinking I want, what about you?"

"Sounds good to me," Nyamo replied. She then opened Yukari's handbag and took out two 10,000-yen bills. "This'll be a good lesson for Yukari."

"But who would have taken out the money if I'd lost?" Osaka asked.

"Yukari, probably. I wouldn't have touched it."

The next morning Nyamo's phone rang at about four in the morning. "Moshi-moshi?" Nyamo asked sleepily.

"Nyamo," came Yukari's voice on the other end of the phone connection, "could you please tell me how the hell I got home last night? And why my head feels like a pair of elephants are playing tug-of-war with my brain? And why there's only 7,200 yen in my bag instead of 20,000?"

"You're the one who made the stupid bet and tried to match Osaka shot for shot. I told you it was a bad idea."

"You mean I LOST? I LOST? How the Hell is that possible?"

"Ow! Don't shout, Yukari, my head isn't exactly a little slice of paradise right now either. You just have to face the fact that Osaka has a decent capacity for alcohol. And that we both have to show up at work this morning with hangovers."

"Yeah, well I bet she's going to have the worst hangover of any of us. She's going to be utterly miserable this morning, and that will be my one consolation."

A few hours later Yukari and Nyamo had arrived in the teachers' lounge for their staff day each holding their heads. "Did Osaka drink more than I did?" Yukari asked. "You can tell me."

"I think she had two more shots."

"Ha! Her hangover is going to be really epic! I can't wait to see it."

A chipper voice chimed in from the door. "Good morning! What a great day!" Osaka walked in and gave her tow senpais a good look over. "You two don't look so good."

"Wait a minute? You drank more than we did, Osaka. You have to be miserable! It's required!"

"I don't like to do stuff that'll make me miserable," Osaka said. "Why would you want me to?"

Nyamo gaped. "You mean you don't have a hangover after drinking seven shots of tequila?"

"No, I don't have a hangover right now. I don't get them often."

Yukari moaned and staggered to her desk. "This is going to be a long, long year." she said.

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. The Girl Has A Class

THE TAO OF OSAKA-SENSEI

An Azumanga Daioh Fanfiction

by Michael Hopcroft

Episode 2: The Girl Has (A) Class

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Azumanga Daioh. That is owned by Kiyohiko Azuma and his representatives, ADV Manga and ADV Films.

Meet Osaka-sensei

Satori Kimura got into her seat. Her first day of high school. How bad could it be? Everyone at her middle school had told her she should have chosen another school, that going to the school where her father taught would be a bad idea. But she had persevered, her grades and exams had been spot-on, and here she was sitting in her class.

"Hey, Sa-chan!" Satori looked up to see one of her friends from middle school,Aoi Yuroshi, walk into the room. "So we're in the same class. Glad to see a friendly face!"

"Yeah, great to see you too, Aoi! I just wish I wasn't getting so many odd looks from the senpais."

"Odd looks? What do you mean?"

"Well, not at first sight, But whenever I introduce myself the seniors back away, like I was some kind of leper. It really creeps me out! I just hope the teachers don't do the same thing, or I'll be in real trouble."

"Hey, if you'd had leprosy I would have caught it long ago. Buck up! Anyway, the teacher's coming."

A young woman in a not-very-formal suit walked into the room. "Someone left the door open." she said. "I'd better close it." The woman then closed the door and walked up to the podium.

One of the boys called out "Stand!" The class stood, seeming to have found its way into some sort of order. "Bow!" the boy called, and the class bowed.

"That's awful nice of ya'." the woman said.

"Sit.", the boy said, and everyone took their seats.

The woman took out a piece of chalk and wrote out two names on the board, side by side. One was "Ayumu Kasgua", and the other, next to it, was simply "Osaka".

"Osaka?", Satori asked herself. "What does Osaka have to do with anything?"

"Hello, and welcome to the first day of high school," the woman said. "I'm your homeroom teacher for Class 1-4. My name's Ayumu Kasuga. Nice to meet'cha." She then looked around at the students. "I don't have a lot to say right away on the first day, so I'll start by takin' the roll. Unless there are any questions..."

Aoi raised her hand. "Sensei, why did you write "Osaka" on the board? Are you from Osaka?"

"Yeah. In fact, for years now everyone's been calling me "Osaka" because I came from Osaka. All my friends call me that, all the other teachers call me that. I have a feelin' that someone's gonna start asking for, for..." she looked at the board and sighed, "for Kasuga-sensei, and I'll end up lookin' around wonderin' who the heck they're talkin' about. So I figured that if you guys called me Osaka too there'd be less confusion. Now, let me take roll. Kahata?"

"Here."

"Kimura."

Satori raised her hand. "Here."

"Didn't you used to be a little girl in a photograph with Kimura-sensei a few years back?" Osaka asked.

Satori blushed. "Well, I imagine there had to have been some pictures taken, but I don't see..."

"I knew it, you're Kimura's daughter! He showed me your picture when I was a second-year."

"He did?" now Satori was seriously embarrassed.

"He was a really proud father. Still is, in fact. I'm really pleased to meet'cha!"

"S...sure."

"Fine. Let me move on. Kubato?"

"Here."

Family Matters

Homeroom had mainly consisted the first day of organizing the class. Satori was surprised that she had been elected one of the Class Representatives, despite the fact that she had not especially angled for the job. Her assistant was a tall, cute boy named Hiroshi Jigobuchi, and she wondered if they would get along. Osaka-sensei, as she found herself calling her new homeroom teacher, had handled things nicely, albeit somewhat distantly. Shew wondered if this was a person she could deal with.

"Sensei," she said walking up to Osaka as the period ended, "Can we talk for a moment? Something is worrying me."

"Already? It's only the first day of high school, Satori-san. Why are you worried?"

"Well, it's the seniors. They're being mean to me for some reason, and I can't think of anything I could have done to them."

"You'd never met any of 'em, had you? No, of course you hadn't. It could be hazing, that still happens sometimes."

"I don't think so. They just start avoiding me when they hear my name."

Osaka's face dawned with sudden realization. "I know! It must be that you're Kimura's daughter, and they don't want to deal with you because of your dad."

"What's wrong with my dad?" Satori asked. "He's a good dad. And I'm sure he's a good teacher!"

"Any teacher's kid is gonna have that problem, but there are quite a few students here who don't like your father very much."

"If I don't want to run into people who don't like my father, who should I avoid then?"

"People in skirts. Your father likes high school girls a lot, and sometimes he's been known to say and do things that upset them. I don't think he means to, but it happens that way."

"Really? You're not making this up to make me feel bad?"

"Why would I want you to feel bad, Satori-chan? I don't think your father's a bad man. And as far as I know he hasn't actually done anything totally improper. It's just that – well, sometimes people come across as odd to other people, ya' know? Like people tellin'; me I'm weird."

Satori stood back. "You're not weird, sensei!"

"Of course I'm weird. Everyone tells me I'm weird, and these are people who have no reason to lie. But you know what, Satori-chan? It's OK. As long as I can do what I need to and want to, it's OK that people think I'm weird. And sometimes it can be fun."

"Fun..."

"Now your father sometimes says and does strange things, but he's a good teacher. And he's been a good father to you and a good husband to your mom, right?"

Satori nodded. "Yes, he has. He's always been kind and supportive to both of us. I couldn't ask for better."

"Then that's the image of your dad you want to hold onto, ain't it?"

"Yeah – I mean, yes. Yes it is."

"So if the seniors mess with 'ya, walk away from 'em. Maybe have a nice long cry when you get home to get it out of your system, and then put it behind 'ya and go on with your day. If ya' stick to your real friends and never let 'em down, they'll stick to you and you'll be fine. I know this because that's how I got through this school. You can do it too." Osaka noticed that Satori's eyes were welling up with tears. "Was that the wrong thing?"

Then Osaka noticed that Satori, despite the tears, was smiling. "Thank you, sensei! Thank you! That's the nicest thing a teacher has ever said to me! I won't forget it!"

Osaka smiled. "I'd better go to my next class," she said. "Your father has you guys next period for Classics. Good luck. See ya later!" Osaka left the room, and Aoi placed a gentle hand on Satori's shoulder.

"What was all that about?" she asked.

"I'm going to love this school," Satori said, "even if it kills me!"

Lunchtime Double-Entendres

Osaka took a seat at her desk in the Teacher's Lounge for lunch period. "I am tired," she said to no-one in particular. "I wish I could take a nap. But then I wouldn't get to eat lunch. But then, if I eat lunch, I won't have time for a nap and I'll be really tired by the end of the day. Decisions, decisions..."

Yukari walked up to her desk. "Hey, Osaka-sensei. How's your first day so far?"

"Not bad", Osaka replied, suppressing a yawn. "But I sure am tired. And it's only half the day."

"Tired, eh? You sure you're cut out for this line of work, Osaka?"

"Well, yeah, I think I am."

Nyamo came up and placed a can on Osaka's desk. "Here you go, Osaka, " she said, "I figured you needed a pick-me-up so I got you a cola from the machine. And here's one for you, Yukari."

Yukari grabbed the drink before Nyamo could set it down. "You're being so nice to her, Nyamo. Why?"

"Why not? You should be nice to her too, Yukari. Just think of the perks you can get."

"Perks? What perks?"

"Just think of the inside video game info you can get, because Osaka's boyfriend works in the industry! I know you love having that kind of an edge."

Osaka chipped in. "That's true. Taka gets a lot of the new equipment before it's released, so he can test it and program for it. And he gets to play with it afterwards, even with me."

Yukari pepped up. "So, you two play games together?"

"Yes, all the time. Taka's really good."

"What's your favorite game?" Yukari asked. "_Final Fantasy_? _Devil May Cry_?"

"I don't know about a favorite, but I really like _Hide the Sausage_."

A moment of silence followed.

Osaka met her senpais' blank, shocked stares with a quizzical look. "You've never played _Hide the Sausage?_ I'll show you..."

'NO!" cried Yukari and Nyamo, for once in one voice.

"You've never played..."

Yukari cried out "I'll have you know that I am a highly skilled _Hide the Sausage_ player!" She then noticed Nyamo glaring at her and added "I just don't get a lot of practice."

"Then you and Nyamo can play."

"No we can't! We don't have the equipment!"

"I do, it's at home right now. After work we can all play together."

"WHAT?"

"It's a really fun game. You're in a castle, and vicious Glorbs are trying to steal all the food. You have to conceal all the sausages in places where the Glorbs can't find them. But don't use the alcoves on level twelve -- the curtains don't work." Osaka looked at Yukari, who was giving Osaka one of the oddest stares imaginable. "What?"

"WHO makes a video game and calls it _HIDE THE SAUSAGE_?"

"You mean it's trademarked already?"

Nyamo shrugged her shoulders. "What other games do you like, Osaka."

"_Ride 'Em Cowgirl_."

Yukari smirked. "Oh, is that a rodeo game where you're competing to see if you can stay on the bull longest?"

"No, that's when I sit on Taka's..."

"STOP RIGHT THERE!"

Osaka shrugged her shoulders. "OK. Say, why is Nyamo turning purple?"

"You have to ask?"

Day's End

The last period of the day was over. Osaka had decided to go straight to the teacher's room to do the end-of-the-day paperwork. She found herself wondering where Yukari was off to. Then she saw Kimura at his desk, also working on papers. She decided to have a word with him. "Kimura-senpai?" she asked. "Can I have a word with ya?"

Kimura pulled out his chair to face her. "You were cuter in high school, you know." he said. "What can I do for you?"

"You know your daughter is in my homeroom, don'tcha?"

"Yes. Is she going to be all right?"

"I think so, but I wanted to talk to you about it. She's been getting trouble from her senpais, you know. People makin' fun of her and not wantin' to be around her."

"Why? Is it because of me?" Kimura looked up at Osaka expectantly. Osaka did not answer right away. An awkward moment passed. Kimura turned his head away. "If you don't know what to say, Osaka-san, then I think it _is_ about me."

"I don't know what to say because I'm not sure..."

"Osaka, I'm a man who says what's on his mind. And sometimes it gets me into trouble. But my family... my family... You understand I'd rather tear my heart out than hurt Satori-chan? There's nothing in the world more important than her to me. Nothing. Maybe I shouldn't have had her come to this school. Maybe I should have asked her to go somewhere else, for her sake."

Osaka sat down beside him. "Kimura-senpai, my dad wasn't a high school teacher. But I can tell you that if he had been, I would have wanted to go to the school where he taught. I would have felt so proud to see him at the podium giving his lesson, and to say to myself "My dad is teaching me. He's doin' what he's always done for me.".And I would have thought to myself how wonderful it was that I had a father with the courage to do that. I think that in spite of all the taunting that's how Satori feels. I think that's why she wanted to come to our school." She handed Kimura a tissue, as she could tell he was about to cry. "Don't worry, senpai. I'll look after your daughter. She is my student, after all. But you should tone things down, for her sake. The only reason people think you're perverted is that you act like one, even thought you're really not."

"But I like high school girls a lot, Osaka I really like them."

"All you do is look. Remember that girl you were fixated on when I was a student here, Kaori? Your attentions really creeped her out, but you never laid a hand on her. You had a lot of power over her and the other girls that you could have done horrible things with if you'd been a real pervert, or a real bad person. But you didn't. Kaori said so herself."

"How is Kaorin, anyway? After graduation I never heard a word – and based on what you just said I probably never will."

"Kaori's fine. She never did land her "Miss Sakaki", but she and Chihiro are doing well. They're junior partners in an interior design firm now, and roommates. They're quiet about it, but I'm pretty sure they're a couple now too."

"Is that so? Does that mean I drove Kaorin away from men completely?"

"It doesn't work that way, but then again I'm pretty much straight so I wouldn't know. Anyway, Kimura-senpai, you watch yourself. If everyone takes care, Satori will be fine."

Kimura nodded, still dabbing his eyes with the tissue. Osaka returned to her own desk, only to be met by Yukari.

Yukari's Misinterpretation

"So, how was the sum total of your first day teaching real classes?" Yukari asked. "Everything you hoped for and wanted? Or would you rather stay home and do the hausfrau bit?"

"Teaching's good," Osaka said, "I'll be fine. And so will my class."

"Any plans?"

"Yeah. Taka's picking me up and we're gonna have dinner."

"Oh, you're having dinner tonight?"

"I like to have dinner every night. Then we're going to go home and play some games. Then we're gonna go to bed, and eventually we'll go to sleep."

"OK, Osaka, how come a gorgeous young woman like me can't get a date and you get to sleep with a man every night?"

"Where else would I sleep? There's only room for the one futon in the apartment, ya know, and I only send Taka to the couch if he's done something really bad."

Yukari suddenly started smirking as a wicked thought crossed her mind. She knew how to put Osaka in her place! "This Taka must be a real geek, mustn't he? An animator for video games, right? He wears thick glasses, doesn't he?"

"Well, yeah, he does wear glasses. But they're nice glasses."

"I knew it! Pocket protector, prototypical nerd all the way. He must have been really desperate!"

"It's not like that at all, Yukari-senpai! You shouldn't insult people you've never met that way, ya' know! It ain't proper!"

"It's OK if it's the truth, and face it, Osaka, if _you_ could land him how great a guy could he be?"

"Here!" Osaka said. She was holding up a picture. "Does this guy look desperate?"

Yukari took the picture into her hand and looked at it. It was a fairly standard two-shot. On the left was a smiling, happy-looking Osaka On the right was a young man who looked a bit taller than she was, fairly athletic-looking, with a nice face framed by a pair of wire-rimmed glasses with a thin, neatly trimmed mustache. "this – this is Taka?"

"He's shaved off the mustache since the picture was taken, but yeah. This was taken on my graduation trip to Okinawa. Not really a honeymoon since we're not officially married, but we did go off together by ourselves and have a great time.."

"And this guy, this hunk, he actually wants you? _He_ wants _you_?"

"He wanted me, I wanted him, we got each other. Worked out nice that way. Otherwise the drawing incident would have had a really embarassing ending. Now I'd better do my lesson plans for tomorrow. Don't want to keep Taka waiting at the gate."

Yukari's shoulders slumped. "Yeah, right. Here's the picture back." She handed back the photograph, which Osaka tucked away. "Lesson plans. Yeah. That's the ticket." Yukari sat down at her desk. "Damn! Three days ago I was mad that she was even here! Now I'm so jealous I could scream! There must be something wrong with me..." Then a thought sturck Yukari. "Wait a minute... _drawing incident_?"

TO BE CONTINUED


	3. Taka

THE TAO OF OSAKA-SENSEI

An Azumanga Daioh Fanfiction

by Michael Hopcroft

Episode 3: Taka

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Azumanga Daioh. That is owned by Kiyohiko Azuma and his representatives, ADV Manga and ADV Films.

1.Testing the Waters

Osaka looked out at her class in dismay. She had dreading what was to come for some time, and even though she knew it had to be done it dismayed her. That fact that she would have to do it six more times, with six different classes, didn't make it easier.

She took the chalk in her hand, and with a swiftness that belied her inner trepidation wrote two words on the blackboard.

"Skills Test".

She heard audible moaning from pretty much the whole class. Perhaps they had thought she was this sweet, slightly klutzy young woman who wouldn't challenge them. At the moment, she wished they were right.

"I did hear that, ya' know." she said as she turned back to face them, causing another deep, unified sigh from the class. "Just so ya' know, there are gonna be tests in art class too. But don't be so discouraged already."

A girl stood up. Kano-chan, everyone called her, a bright and perky girl who wore her hair in a long pigtail at the back and had a pair of small, wire-rimmed glasses. "Sensei, it's only a week into the term. You haven't even started teaching the class! What can you possibly test us on?"

"Why, what you know going in, of course. Do you know what perspective is? How to really look at a woodcut print? The difference between "Starry Night" and "The Scream"? How to color within the lines?"

Kano-chan looked baffled. "well, I... Hey! I can color within the lines! Most of the time..."

"Oh, that's good. When I was starting out, that gave me a lot of trouble." Osaka paused for a moment. "Anyway, this is a test to see where you already are in art. What you know and what you can do. You won't just be answering multiple-choice questions – you're actually going to be demonstrating your skills."

"Or lack of them." said one of the girls in the back of the room. Aiko had already gotten Osaka's attention. She had a combination of drop-dead good looks and an acid lounge that worried Osaka a bit. She would have to have a word with Aiko soon.

"Satori-chan, Jun-kun, please pass out the tests." Satori Kimura and Jun were the Class Representatives, mainly because nobody else had offered to do it. She wondered how Satori was getting along a week into a term, given the problems that seemed to come with being Kimura's daughter. But she was clearly intelligent and seemed to be handling herself well. Osaka handed each of them a sheaf of papers. "There you go. Make sure everybody gets one." It didn't take long for the tests to be distributed and the representatives to return to their seats. "Begin!" Osaka said and the sound of forty busy pencils filled the air.

Osaka began walking up and down the room. She had always been told you had to watch students carefully when they were taking tests, that some students would try any trick to crib off their smarter neighbors. She immediately noticed one such infraction. "Takeda-kun," she gently said, "does Miyamoto-kun have that interesting a paper?"

"Nani?" Takeda-kun, a boy who wore his hair long, looked startled. "No, Sensei, of course not."

"Good. I know your own test must be really boring, but sometimes we have to do boring stuff. Think of it as giving your mental attic a good airing out so it isn't taken over by moths."

"Moths?" Takeda shook his head and, Osaka noted proudly, started paying full attention to his own work.

"Oh man!" Osaka heard Aiko mutter under her breath. "I can't believe this! "Draw the flower of your choice?" Who is she kidding?"

"Is choosing a flower hard?" Osaka could see Aiko visibly start when she heard her voice.

"Sensei! Where did you come from?"

"Come from? Where did I go? Anyway, complainin' about the test isn't gonna help you finish it. Shouldn't be that hard to pick a flower. There are lots of them."

"And how is this going to help me get into Tokyo University anyway?" Aiko was keeping the volume on her voice down, but the tone could strip paint at sixty paces.

"And what do ya' plan to do when ya' get there?"

"I – what does anyone do?"

"If ya' don't know that, then it's too soon to think about Tokyo University and time to think about the test in front of ya'."

Aiko breathed a heavy sigh and resumed work, wondering why she had ever thought this school was a good idea.

2.Yukari the Green-Eyed Monster

"Friday is over at last!" Yukari said as she plopped down in front of her desk in the Staff Room. "And a short week too! Man, am I going to relax!" Her head began to drift to one side as consciousness began to make a welcome retreat in favor of a sort of light slumber.

When the door to the staff room slid open again, consciousness charged back into control, taking only a moment to toss slumber aside after striking a few well-paced blows to its head.

"So, that French place – Taka took you there?" Yukari heard Nyamo asking.

"Once. The portions were much too big for me, but the food was good. But normally I like much simpler fare, ya' know?"

Yukari's voice pierced the room. "NYAMO! What the hell are you doing? You are NOT supposed to be Osaka's friend! And you, Osaka! "Simpler fare"? What kind of person are you?"

"Japanese." Osaka shrugged her shoulders. "And those cream sauces don't make my stomach happy."

Nyamo stepped forward. "Yukari, you've got some nerve! What gives you the right to tell me something like that? Who do you think you are, anyway?"

Osaka looked back and forth between the two senior teacher. "You're not fighting, are you?"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" cried Yukari.

"That you shouldn't be fighting. It's not like Nyamo did anything to you, Yukari."

Yukari's hand went up, but then she caught herself. "Osaka, I... I..."

"Need a drink?" Nyamo said.

"Jealousy ain't good far ya, Yukari." Osaka said.

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M JEALOUS?"

"Well, ya are shoutin'."

"That's because I'm MAD! Not because I'm jealous!" Yukari huffed and puffed and looked like she was about ready to blow down the school. "And what are YOU staring at, Nyamo?"

"What do you think?" Nyamo dramatically plopped herself down onto her chair. "There are a lot of times when you behave like a real jackass, Yukari, and this is one of them."

"Bein' a woman and all, wouldn't you be a jill-ass?" Osaka offered.

"I am _nobody's ass_!" cried Yukari.

"And maybe that's the problem.", Osaka said. "You're mad at me because I have Taka, ain't'cha?"

"What do you --" Yukari had her finger out, ready to lay down a fresh verbal assault, when she suddenly dropped her hand and slumped her shoulders. "Oh, no." she said under her breath. "Damn you, Osaka! How dare you be... be..."

"Right?" Nyamo interjected. "It's OK, I know how proud you are – even given how little reason you have for it – so I'm not going to make you say it. But, Yukari, we are all co-workers now, and we are Osaka-chan's senpais. Much as you may resist the idea, we have to be responsible adults."

"Oh!" Osaka stood. "An idea! How would you two like to meet Taka?"

"Meet Taka?" Yukari started at the thought. "But why?"

"Why not? It's not like I don't know about his friends."

Nyamo nodded. "I think that's a great idea, Osaka. When do you want us to meet him?"

"How about tomorrow night?"

"Sounds great. No showing up drunk, Yukari."

Yukari shrugged. "If I have to visit Osaka, is there such a thing as _drunk enough_?"

3.Yukari Bares Her Fangs

The next evening, at about five o'clock, Nyamo stood outside an apartment building in a decent but not that swanky part of the school's neighborhood. Admittedly it was a reasonable walking commute from the school, and it wasn't exactly a dangerous part of town. And Nyamo's own building wasn't swanky either – then again she wasn't sharing rent.

And Nyamo was fuming to herself about being alone at that moment. "Damn Yukari for being late! How was she going to get here anyway?" Sudden realization struck her. "Oh, no."

Suddenly a battered Audi roared and coughed around the corner and came to an all-too-sudden stop in front of the building. It looked like it would fall apart if you were the breathe on it wrong, with little dots of primer all that was left of what had once been an impressive paint job. The Yukari-Mobile Mark II had arrived, and with it the property values on the block fell by fifteen percent.

Yukari got out of the car in blissful ignorance of its condition or the rather precarious parking space she had chosen. "You gonna need a lift home?" she asked.

"It's not worth it. The point of getting a ride home is actually getting home."

"Anyway, let's go in there and steal Osaka's boyfriend!"

"All -- WHAT THE HELL?" it had taken a moment for what Yukari had said to sink in.

"It's all very simple, really. Osaka may be a legal grownup now, but she still has a body that can be compared unfavorably to a two-by-four. Whereas yours truly has all the right stuff in all the right places, which means..."

"Give it up, Yukari. You couldn't steal a woman's guy at gunpoint."

"Besides, I have a top-notch security system." came a voice from the balcony above them. Yukari looked up and there was a man. He had short black hair in a professional cut, a pair of attractive wire-frame glasses, and was dressed in a white dress shirt and black trousers. Even the pocket protector in his shirt, which held a selection of pencils and pens, seemed to suit him. "We've been wondering when you could come up, sensei and sensei. We're right here."

Yukari was stunned. "What? You're... You're..."

"Takashi Edogashi, at your service. Come on up."

4.Sweets for the Sweet

Yukari and Nyamo walked up the stairs, and Takashi let them in. "Osaka's in the kitchen. I'll be a moment."

Nyamo was puzzled. "You don't call her Ayumu?"

"I didn't even know her name was Ayumu until three weeks after we met. Well, I'd better go get her. You're welcome to the sofa."

"Thanks," Nyamo said, and then realized as she approached it that she was stepping on things. "You don't keep this place very tidy, do you?"

"I'd like to, but there isn't really time. I'll be right back."

Yukari and Nyamo took seats on the sofa, which at least had been cleared off, and Nyamo breathed a heavy sigh. "This reminds me of your dorm room," she said.

Yukari saw something that distracted her. "Look! A candy bowl!" she said, pointing to a small covered dish on the small table beside her.

"You'd better not raid it." Nyamo said.

"That's what candy bowls are for, silly!" Yukari said, pulling off the top and reaching inside. "I wonder if it's candy-coated chocolate, or mints, or..." Then Yukari realized she was feeling something funny, took a look inside, and rapidly reclosed it. When Nyamo looked at her, Yukari was sitting gaping in shocked amazement. "It's not candy." she finally said.

"Then what is it?"

"Condoms. The damn thing's filled with condoms."

"Osaka's grown up, hasn't she?"

"I'm serious here! Who the hell keeps _condoms_ in a _candy dish_?"

Nyamo found herself chuckling in spite of herself, just audibly enough for Yukari to hear.

"And what's so damn funny, Nyamo?"

"That's you're so upset. You must admit there are many worse things that could have been in there."

"Worse things? _Great_. Now I'm going to spend the whole evening imagining Osaka _high_. Thanks a lot for the terrifying mental image, Nyamo." And at that moment Yukari heard the voice she least wished to hear at that particular moment.

"What terrifying mental image?" Osaka, wearing a T-shirt, jeans and an apron, had entered the room. She then noticed where Yukari's hand was. "Oh, I see you found the candy dish."

"I can't believe you keep condoms in a candy dish, Osaka!"

"Doesn't everybody? Besides, there are a few mint in there."

"MINT?"

"Yeah, they come in flavors. I'm not sure why, though..."

"Because men don't?" Nyamo offered helpfully.

"But they do! At least, they do have a flavor." Then Osaka began looking up and stroking her chin thoughtfully. "But it's always the same one. Do different men have different flavors? I've wondered about that, but first-hand research is sort of out of the question – I mean, I wouldn't like it if Taka experimented on female flavors that way, would I? Fair's fair."

Taka's voice could be heard from the kitchen. "Say, Osaka, I forgot to ask if your friends wanted tea. Could you ask them for me?"

"Uh, sure." Osaka replied. "Yukari, would you..."

"I heard him. I'll take whatever you offer, though I'd rather it were beer."

"We don't keep beer here. Neither of us like it."

"Can't say I care for his taste." Yukari huffed.

"That's good. I'd rather keep it to myself anyway."

"Yukari doesn't want men with good taste," Nyamo couldn't resist saying, "Yukari wants men that..."

"SHUT UP, NYAMO!"

5. The Story

After a few moments, everyone had their tea. Osaka and Taka had taken seats on the floor, allowing the two senior teachers the sofa. "It may not be alcohol," Taka said, "but here's a toast anyway. Skoal!"

"No it's not," Osaka pointed out. "It's hot. Skhot!"

"Did that make any sense to you?" Yukari asked. "By the way, does any of this make sense to you?"

"Making sense is overrated," Taka said. "And it's something I try my best to get away from when I'm not coding in character movements."

"I mean this whole setup, a guy like you with a girl like her."

"Yeah, nice isn't it? I'm just lucky she can put up with me."

Yukari sipped her tea. "I still wish this were beer." Then a sudden thought struck her. "Wait a minute – SHE has to put up with YOU? What are you talking about?"

"It's true, I have a lot of habits that really annoy her. Like the way at the peak of a project I stay at the office for three days at a time, and then spend the time I'm given off still working on the project."

"Off the clock, too." Osaka added. "Taka's paid by the contract, regardless of the time he puts in, so there's no overtime pay. And when his last project was finally done he slept like a log for two days straight. I couldn't even wake him up for meals!"

"And then when I finally did wake up and she asked me what I dreamed about it was a walk-through of that part of the game!"

Nyamo nodded. "You have a hard job, Mr. Edogashi."

"A professional artist's life is like that. Mangaka, animators, illustrators, cinema art directors – they all have it just as bad. And the downside, for me, is that in five years nobody will care about _anything_ I did. But it's a good thing I'm not starting my next assingment for another week – we won't run out of money and I have time to socialize and to spend time with my darling Osaka."

Tea suddenly came shooting out of Yukari's nose. "Did you say DARLING?"

"There are many other things I could say,..." Taka started to say.

Nyamo shook her head. "Given the way Yukari reacted to the candy dish, I don't think that would be wise."

"ENOUGH WITH THE CANDY DISH!" Yukari screamed. She began to breathe heavily, in such a way that her chest was heaving in ways that Nyamo found rather disturbing.

"Say, Taka," Osaka asked, "I'm beginning to wonder about dinner. I'm wondering if I really wanted to eat what I was planning to cook."

"Well, there's always that family-style restaurant by the station. We can afford that..."

Yukari perked up. "They have beer? Right? Right? They have beer? Please say they have beer!"

"Or we can call for take-out." Osaka helpfully added.

"Yeah, that'll give us a chance to actually finish the meal." Nyamo added.

"And what is THAT supposed to mean,. Nyamo?"

"All right by me, Osaka." Taka said.

Osaka pulled out her cell phone and hit one of the speed-dials. "Hello, Goddess Help Line? I'll have the usual please. Four sets. Right."

Yukari and Nyamo both gaped. "What... what just happened?"

"I just called the Goddess Help Line. Is that a problem? Did you want something else?"

"Yeah," Yukari replied. "Like FOOD. Does the Goddess Help Line really exist, anyway?"

"Sure does. I call them all the time."

"Can they get me a gorgeous guy? A new car? Piles and piles of money?"

"I never thought to ask for any of those things. I usually get the combination special."

"COMBINATION SPECIAL?"

Suddenly Nyamo burst out laughing, with Taka soon joining in. Osaka looked between them, looking somewhat bewildered. Yukari looked more confused-angry.

"AND WHAT'S SO DAMN FUNNY? Has she been playing a joke?"

"Not intentionally," Taka answered after calming down. "And the story behind it is funny and not-at-all funny at the same time. You see, my best friend my freshman year in college was a young man named Wifon Kai. His grandparents were immigrants from Shanghai who'd fled China ahead of the Communists, but he's a third-generation Japanese subject and his mother is Japanese. She and he got a lot of grief from his mother' parents. Anyway, the Kais were in the restaurant business, but Wifon was even more of a manga fan than I was. He was determined to be a managaka rather than take over the family business. And one of his favorite artists is Kyosuke Fujishima. He was good, too. Damn good. He has about to make a big splash at Komiket. But then his parents were killed in a car wreck – that's the sad part. He was an oldest son, he had two sisters in middle school, and his maternal grandparents didn't care whether he and his sisters lived or died."

"That's terrible," Nyamo said. "Hating your own grandchildren. Did they ever say why?"

Osaka shook her head "It was an ethnic thing with them. Wifon was a foreigner to them, even though he was their own flesh and blood. And he doesn't even speak Chinese!"

"The only way he could support his sisters," Taka continued, "was to drop out of school and keep the restaurant open. Which he did without a moment's hesitation. And would you believe it – he proved to be really good at it. And he's putting his sisters through college now. Since it seemed such a sort of divine inspiration that saved his family's future, he renamed the restaurant the Goddess Cafe in honor of Fujishima. And the takeout line really is called the Goddess Help Line."

"Wow!" Nyamo gasped. "What an amazing story! Is the food good?"

"Good enough that the whole studio gets most of their takeout from him. I admire Wifon a lot. A man who has his priorities in the right place when the chips are down."

Nyamo nodded. "You've landed quite an interesting man yourself, Osaka."

"I think so." Osaka smiled. "Have you guys had any better luck than you had when I was in high school?"

Nyamo and Yukari looked across at each other, and then back to Osaka. In unison, they breathed a heavy sigh.

"We'll have to do something about that." Osaka said.

"WHAT?"

"Unless, of course, you don't actually want men."

"And what is THAT supposed to mean?" Yukari demanded.

Osaka smiled enigmatically and vacantly, and that smile scared Yukari to death.

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
